When I grow up…

After all this time, what hurts me the most is…

Did I mean so little to you?

I can’t get over the fact of how quickly you kicked me out of your life, when I still can’t get by one day without thinking or feeling for you. I’m not sure what that means and I’m not sure if I really wanna know.

I can see through your fears,
I know about your insecurity,
and I can only pity you, girl…

“count your blessings now, before they are long gone…”

My little hamster has left this world today. She grew a tumor and today I had to make the hard decision of putting her to sleep… She didn’t deserve to suffer anymore. She had a nice life, and also a nice death. Wherever you are now, just know that you were loved and you won’t be forgotten.

Today you taught me a very important lesson: life is not about how many people are loving you, but how many people YOU are loving. The sadness in my heart proved me that there’s nothing more valuable than the love you have for the others… That love is the one that makes you feel alive, not the one you may or may not receive. Words cannot express my gratitude for these almost 2 years you have been there, running in your wheel at night not letting me sleep, biting me just to check if I was edible , getting a lot of food in your cheeks just to put it away in you storage corner or just being adorable and plain cute… So many little things, so much I will keep in my heart.

Rest in peace, Sneeuwbal.

She feels her hopes have run out;
that she can’t have hope anymore…
But her heart secretly does.
It awaits his fall…
Right next to her, in the bottom
of this dark deep hole.
Where nothing is fulfilling,
where nothing makes sense,
where the memories are knives
striking over and over again.

How are the memories of better days
supposed to make me feel any good
knowing I’ll never have them back?

Whoever said it’s better to have and be scared
than to never have and regret it forever
did never taste what it’s like to lose.

How am I gonna believe
what my life has proven me
to be impossible?

Second chances never come around.
Not even when you deserve them.
You only got one shot at life;
you miss it, you’re done with it.

I thought that my resentment was greater than that of my love for you…
But I was only trying to fool myself. Trying to believe a lie in a pathetic attempt to get over you.
When love hits you the way it hit me, there’s no escape from it.
Nothing no one can ever do to erase it from myself, from my memories, from my heart…

And so the seconds, the hours, the days go on, and I only grow weaker and sadder.
Knowing what your possibilities are is such an horrible thing. Knowing what your fate is is even worse.
Ignorance is truly bliss.

I miss the days when my future was so far away, when I still had so much time to just enjoy my present.
I miss the days when everything was right, when I was willing to take whatever life brought me.
I miss the days when I was grateful I was alive.

This is the life I’m expecting; a life of missing, of longing for what it once was and it will never be again.

What I need is simple and yet complicated.

I just need to know why is everything the way it is.
What is the point in going through this endless suffering.
What is this good for. What is the purpose.
Does it have any?

What is my life worth for now… What do I have left… And why.

Everything is out of my control, I’m just a puppet moving along the strings of what some call fate, others destiny…
I can’t decide to stop loving you. I can’t decide to have hope again. I can’t stop crying every night.

And everyday that goes by, it’s just more prove that this will be like this forever, this is not gonna change.

… and all I need is just a reason why things turned out this way.
If I could know it, I would have something to fight for.
But now I have nothing, nothing to hold on to, just this pain.
My dreams were already made true, and I was just useless enough to not keep them alive…
So what do I have now?

I can’t believe something in my life will happen to make all of this worth to go through, what on earth could possibly happen to make it up… A miracle, that’s what. And hey, they are called miracles for a reason. They never happen.

How can I possible believe that something that good could happen to me, after all my experiences and failures…
It doesn’t even matter what I might deserve or not. It all depends on pure luck… And I have run out of mine.

So, lemme ask you something… For how long am I supposed to stay like this until you realize all of what I’m saying?

When will you realize…?

Just like I predicted,
I’m at the point of no return.
I can’t go backwards,
and all corners have been turned.
I can’t control it, if I sink or if I swim…
But I chose the waters that I’m in.

And it makes no difference, who is right or wrong…
I deserved much more than this,
’cause there’s only one thing I wanted.

If it’s not  what you’re made of,
you are not what I’m looking for.
I was willing, but unable, to give you anymore.
There’s no way…
You changed,
Cause some things will just never be mine.
You’re not in love this time… But it’s alright.

I heard you talking, but your words didn’t mean a thing.
I doubt you ever put your heart into anything.
It’s not much to ask for, to get back what I put in.
But I chose the waters that I’m in…

What’s your definition of the one?
What do you really want me to become?
No matter what I sacrifice it’s still never enough…

Just like I predicted,
I will sink and I won’t swim…
‘Cause these are the waters that I’m in.

PD: my own version of the song.

They say life is a gift… I call it  a curse.

I was talking with my best friend, and she reminded me how “not normal” I am when it comes to love.
I know all the theories about how a girl (or anyone for that matter) shouldn’t give it all away when they are in love, because men are not looking for a second mom, they are looking for a partner whom they can share an equal relationship.
I don’t really know why, but in my relationships I always had it easier in my life that those of my partners so I always tried my best to help or to give a hand… I never meant to act like a mom but I admit sometimes I did, mostly with my last relationship. When I did was just out of love, out of wanting the best for my beloved one, not for taking any role in the relationship neither to ridicule anyone. I simply wanted to help out.
But anyway, my point is that this is my way of loving, and even if I know it’s what mostly makes all of my relationships fail, I don’t think I can change it or even want to… I don’t believe it should be something bad, to be willing to give your best, or all what you’ve got, for the beloved one… My friend said that men think differently, she even gave me a book that kinda explains how a woman should “be” and  “act” to get a man or to make a relationship work, but…

I want a relationship that can work by just being myself.

And looks like that’s something that can never work. It’s a fantasy, an illusion, an utopia…

I had a nice conversation yesterday with a friend of mine, and she said something interesting.
It goes more or less like this:

“Life is not about what you want, but more about what you need.
The tricky part is that what you want is not always what you need,
and that there’s no way to know exactly what you really need.”

I’ve been thinking about it all day.
So, supposedly you gotta take things as they are “in case” it’s because you need it, even if you don’t want them to be that way. Well, makes me wonder why did I need all of this… For what in earth am I gonna need all this pain? What in the world can all of this shit bring me? Just the conviction that I do not like this life and the way it works.

I believe everyone gets to the point where they have to make a choice; to take it or to leave it.
Why should someone take this life? And why shouldn’t he/she?
It’s everyone’s own decision to take, and I would like that whatever the choice is, to be respected.

No one should feel forced to take it. I think people should only live life if they really want it.
Everyone gives for granted that you do want to live… But why is that? Why such an assumption?
Why is that it HAS to suit me like it or not? I’m sorry, but no.

I can say I tried, of course there’s lots of things I didn’t do, but the majority I did and mostly I’m proud of all of what I did or didn’t do. I tried my best, I enjoyed, I lived life to its maximum, and now I feel it’s time for me to go.
Where, I don’t know. But staying here won’t make anything change… If I stay here, nothing is gonna change.
It’s gonna be this hell every single day.

And now, to add some emoness and because I feel like it, I’ll write down my own version of a song that I like ^^

“If this is true, I thought then, what will I think
Will I stay but rather I would get away
I am scared that I wont find a thing
And afraid that Ill turn out to be alone, but i

Had to learn, had to try, had to trust I had to cry,
I had to see, had to know that I can’t be myself…

And if I could I would stay
And if they were not, not in my way
I’d stare here in the distance
But I grew up to be just like you, yeah
I grew up to be just like you, yeah…

I see it all I’m sure but
Do I know whats right
I thought I knew but it turns out the other way
I’m sure that I wont find a thing
And convinced that I’ll turn out to be alone, but I…

I want to tell you why would I try to,
You are all I can see now
Why would I try to…”

I always thought I would be a normal person, with a simple kind of life… The type who gets married, has kids, grows old, ends up being an old small lady who’s sweet with her grandchildren…

Now I can’t see any of that happening anymore.

Now all I can see is me in a couple of years maximum, just being as I am now, and then just blackness…
I can’t see what happens exactly, but it’s pretty clear I’ll be gone.
Why in 2 years, I still don’t know. I hope it won’t take that long.

I wonder where my future went… Did you take it away with your love?
You showed me how it is to live with you… Just to leave me.

“You took my hand, you showed me how,
you promised me you’d be around…
I took your word and I believed,
in everything you said to me…”

“They knew better, still you said forever…”