When I grow up…

Cause i can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t help it, i can’t help myself, and no one will ever do.

I can’t live knowing all of what i know… I know that almost the rest of the world gets along fine with it, but i just can’t.

To me, to know that it’s almost for sure that no good-times will last forever, makes it very clear. If this is all that life is about, then i will not take it. I’m gonna cease to exist, everything of my own will cease to exist, i’ll become a memory for those who really love me, and that’s it.

I cry everyday, everynight. I’m unable to enjoy anything anymore. I’m unable to love again… I’m unable to live.

Why does it still hurt me so much?
Why doesn’t it hurt you the same way?
Why did u fall out of love with me?
How could you fall in love with someone else?
Were you really in love with me to begin with?
Why don’t I mean to you what you mean to me?
How can I live without you by my side?
How can I live knowing I won’t be able to love again?
Why can you put me in your past this easily?
Why do you carry on without me?
Why did you gave up on me, on us?
Why did you hurt me this way?
Why did you break my heart together with my dreams?
Why won’t you come back to me?
What am I supposed to do, when the only one I will love for the rest of my life, doesn’t love me back?
How am I supposed to trust anyone’s words from now on? Or anyone’s feelings?
Why do all good things come to an end like this?
Why do people keep trying… if they all know it will end bad anyway?
Why can’t I be like them?
Why can’t I stand the sole idea of being in someone else’s arms, while I know he is sleeping with her right now?
Why do I have to go through this?
Why do I know I will never be as happy as I was with him?
Why would I move on knowing that things will never be the same again?
Why would I keep living if there’s no hope for a happy life for me?

I wonder if I should let you learn by yourself from your mistakes… Or if I should try to stop you.
I know you did me wrong, yet those memories of the happiness we shared are not going away.

Because I understand what made you give up, why you are not strong enough, and how you could do all of what you did, is very hard for me to take a decision. Should I keep fighting for it? Should i let it go? Should i be thinking of only myself?
I guess it all depends on that last question… If i have to think only bout myself, i will let you go and suffer the consequences of your decision… But can I allow myself to do that, knowing how much  you are gonna be in pain? Do you deserve me to help you out of this mess? Will it be of any good in the long term future? Do my dreams still exist?

It hurts me to know already the answers… Because even if my logic is still working quite fine, my hearts has a small voice of its own, and tells me that i cannot let myself abandon you in this hard time…

And yet I’m not even sure what i do mean to you, what do i represent for you, i don’t even know if u will forget about me soon or if you will feel love for me the rest of your life… I guess there are things no one can never know. It’s so plain frustrating. My mind works in a very too logical way, so when i don’t get what i need to complete an equation, it’s really painful… I feel like i’m lost and cornered, with no place to go, no where to keep moving on…

People keep telling me to give it time, that things will get on their places by themselves… And for how long then do i need to feel this lost? How will i know what’s the right thing to do? Will i ever know?

The only thing i know is that you cannot change what’s been and done. And i’m absolutely sure you are learning that fact right now, in this very moment. The only thing i would like to add is… You cannot change the past, but you can decide what comes next. It’s all up to you now.

I hate it when i see you rejoicing yourself because you know i won’t find anyone as good as you.
I hate how happy you are about that fact. I never thought you could be so cruel.
You know i’m wasted, you know i’m done for… Is it so hard to show me a little compassion? Do i really deserve this betrayal? What did i do to deserve it then?

You mean the world to me, yet you like to see me in pain, to see me still in love with you…
I blame you for what you are doing to me and for what you did to us.
I know you will go on with your life without looking back, without stopping for one second to rethink about what happened in your past… My god, how can things turn out this way? And most importantly, why?

Now i find myself only seeking comfort in the fact that this will soon be over forever. All of it.

Even if my logic agrees with all of what i wrote in the aftermatch part, my heart is aching real bad. Rick was so good to me that somehow i know i won’t be getting any better. All of his qualities were too top notch to believe i’ll find someone better. And living a life knowing that second best is all i will ever know is really very discouraging.
I’m quite sure i won’t be getting over it.

He crushed my dreams in a way that they can’t be fixed anymore.

Yeah, i’m aware that there’s people out there that really love/appreciate me. I’m aware of my qualities and my defects as a person, and they are what make me believe i’m not made for what this kind of life is made of. I also know that there have been other times of my life where i felt similar things, and that with time it all became good again. But all of that goodness also ended. And this time i reached such a hihg level of perfection that is quite impossible that i will reach it again.

I know that if i die, it’s gonna hurt a lot of people; but if i don’t, it’s gonna hurt me. Selfish as it sounds, it couldn’t get anymore righteous.

I can only hope that people will understand my reasons, that when they remember me, they will agree with my decision, despite the sadness of it. Yes, it is sad, but its the best thing i can do. Why can’t i just do it? Why is it so hard for me? Nico, how could you do it? I need you right now to give me the strenght i need… It’s more suicidal to try to live a life that can’t bring steady happiness, than end it all at once and forever.

I’m not able to value things in any other way. I guess other people see things differently, or else they would do the same. But i can not change my point of view. I cannot pretend everything will be alright when i know it won’t.
I know things in this life, and i know i will never be able to be as happy and complete as i was with Rick. A child had to open my eyes to this painful truth. The hardest part for me is to assume it. It’s not easy to find out you’re not cut for this. It’s not easy to realize your time has come.

When i think of the things i won’t experience, i don’t really feel regret.
You don’t regret the life you won’t have, because by then you will be dead. And once you are dead, you don’t feel anything, not even regret.

Now i face the preparations. I must attend so many loose ends, i must tie them all, prepare everyone for what’s coming now. And prepare myself. I need to choose which song or songs i’m gonna be listening to in my very last moments, and that alone is driving me crazy… There’s way too many of them.
At least i know how i’m gonna do it, i’m not sure how i’m gonna find out the ingredients but i’ll find a way.

I really feel it’s my time to go. This is how i want my story to end. I cannot offer anything more to this world, and it cannot offer me anything else neither. It’s so hard to face that fact… And yet, being aware of it releases me of so much pain… The pain of knowing no matter what i do, i’ll never be as happy as i was before.

Please, everyone who appreciates me, please forgive me. It wasn’t your fault, there was nothing no one could do.

Things would never be the same.

Now i need to be a little stronger for a while, just for a short while, as i attend my unfinished work here. And then, then i will be able to leave, to fly away, with a smile on my face, knowing that for once i chose the right decision.

All i’ve got left now is frustration.
I know i’m right when i say he’s gonna regret it, but still it feels so late now… I mean, even if he’s come back now, i think it would be already too late after all of what has happened and the way it has happened.
He messed it up SO badly, he fucked it up so much, he acted so childish and immature… I can’t believe he’s the same person anymore.

He used to be so… perfect.

But that’s in the past. That Rick is dead and gone already… There’s no turning back now anymore.

I tried my best to warn him; living with regrets it’s the worse curse ever. And he chose it by himself. He will never find anyone like me, anyone willing to give her all for him. He didn’t listen to me, he ignored my words, even if deep inside he knows i’m right. I know he knows. That’s why i can’t stop asking myself why…

Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why…

He doesn’t love me anymore, he doesn’t feel in love with me, mostly because he doesn’t want to/is able/can manage to put aside my imperfections. He only valued the bad things, not the good ones, which proves me he wasn’t worth it. He just played the childish game of naivety, and i fell for it. Yes, i was gappy but i couldn’t realize the truth behind his words. He meant it all just like a teenager without experience in life can. Now he’s happy with someone else, but he has lost all of his ilusion. And somehow me too. I don’t want to be with someone who loses hope so easily, who is not brave enough to face painful things, who has lost the dreamy way to see life and love… The Rick i met and fell in love with, is not there anymore… He has grown up as a cold minded&hearted boy, who claims being realistic…
What is reality after all? Reality is what you make out of it.

I also want to believe that if he lost his love for me, apart from being not ready and very influenced by his parents, is also because i was a whim for him, i was the only person paying attention to him and treating him in a lovely and sweet way. I made him feel good and loved, he didn’t know me enough, he really didn’t know what/where he was getting into, and after a while he found out the hard way. In the end, there was not real commitement, and that is something unforgivable.

I know that time and effort will bring me happy times again, that now i have more opportunities right in front of me, which seem pretty pointless now, as i was really loving the life i was having during this last year and a half, but i know that in time it will all make sense.

You cannot connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards.

Now i need to find myself again, my true self, i need to learn again which things i used to enjoy and what things i am able and willing to do in my life. I am me, i am a person by myself. I had a life with my own goals, i just need to find them out again.

Now, the question is… Should i go back to Spain?
Well, seems pretty ridiculous to not take this chance of working in my own stables. I guess that for me, right now looks like whatever i do, even if its for my best, will be empty as i deeply feel i won’t be able to love for a long while.
It’s a new experience to me; to be single with no one in my mind/heart. As for today, i still have Rick, or the memories of what he used to be… After all of what has happened and how he has handled it, i believe it won’t take long until it’s gone. That’s why i say i will have an empty life for a while, cause i feel so empty inside.

How should i think about my long-term future? Well, mostly i believe i shouldn’t be thinking about it right now, but seeing that i cannot help it, i must try to think in a positive way.

Is all hope for a true love lost? No, it’s not. It just will be very hard to find, but there’s no reason to think i won’t find it. Somehow just knowing that maybe i will never find it breaks me apart. But like i said, if i’m not positive and i don’t do my best, chances of finding it will get even lower. I need to be happy for myself, to love my life for what i do about it, not for who i share it with. I’m the only one responsible for it, because no one can/should take responsibility for it, even if they are willing to do so… What if something wrong happens to them? Even if they want to, there’s always the chance that they will end up going out of your life, taking your happiness with them.
Love is beautiful, yes, but there’s more things in life that also are. Now it’s only a matter of time until my heart doesn’t hurt so much, until i find out who i really am, and until im able to value all of what i have in my life to be able to be happy again. Because right now all of this kinda sounds like im only trying to convince myself about it, and that doesn’t feel right. Bit it’s too early to feel right about anything anyway, so… I will wait, i will be strong enough to wait to really feel fine again, because i know it’s possible.

I have already experienced great losses and deceptions in my life, when i believed all hope was lost for me, and with time i always ended up smiling. I can only do my best, to try to be a better person, so karma or whatever controls this will “give” me what i truely deserve. Maybe i simply don’t deserve anything, maybe life is really a bitch, or at least for me. But i must look also around me, cause i see cases of happy people, happy couples, i see happiness… Why wouldn’t i be able to get some myself?

The world is still out there for me to take.

Now that we know what was going wrong between us, why/what makes you think we cannot change those things?
It’s not too late, you just need to give us some time, and I promise/swear it will all work fine…
How come you are so sure you love Steffie? Why does she make you so happy? Is it because of her circumstances, that can provide you with an easy but simple/empty relationship? Because everything looks so promising between you 2?

You know i never lied to you, i’ve never let you down, and that i haven’t been wrong during our relationship in anything of what i said… Why would i be wrong now?
Do you really not believe me when i sai i can make you feel happy again?
Why do you want me out of your life so bad?
Was i making you feel in pain?
Was it really me, or your circumstances? Your family, your school, the distance between us, the misunderstandings…
I can make all of that to stop being a problem, but i just would need some time.

You made a mistake by not telling me in time what was going on. Don’t you think that i deserve a chance for your mistake? Do i really have to suffer it alone? With all of that means, all by myself? I’ll need to go back to Spain, i’ll never be able to trust anyone, i’m gonna feel useless the rest of my life…
If this relationship was working for me, do i have to believe that is because i was strong enough but not you?

If you don’t love me anymore, kiss me one more time… In case you forgot, this all started out with a kiss. Let’s gonna end it the same way…

Please don’t confuse relief with love. I know how wonderful it feels that your family accepts her; they are just trying to rush you so you can’t think about what you’re doing. They know this is not the right decision.

Regarding the misunderstandings, i want you to know that i only wanted you to live with me or somewhere else because i thought you weren’t fine with your parents. I mean, they were blackmailing you with the costs of your career, saying they wouldn’t pay it for you if you were to live somewhere else, and that is already influencing a lot. I wanted you to feel free to decide; i would have paid for everything if needed, i would have given you the money right away so you wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore…

I always trusted you except the cases of Suzan and Steffie for obvious reasons. The rest was just scaredness, i even told you i didn’t want to stress you out with them but you said i should tell you if i was feeling not so right so you could help me out. No one is perfect, and true love makes the imperfections be worth it anyway.

Were you happy with me? Wouldn’t you want to be that happy forever? It is possible, you know i would do everything for you, what more can you ask from someone? I would have gone to live nearby your place, i would have given you all the time and space you might have needed, i would have always be there for you…

Don’t you really feel anything for me?

Do you really want to stop the life we had together? Was it really so bad? Or did it get bad since the moment you got so much pressure? You know that those bad moments don’t last forever?

Is all of this hurting you? Why?

Are you a 100% sure you won’t be regretting this? Is there anything i can do to make you love me again?

Do you realize all of this is because a mistake you did? Why don’t you try to fix that mistake, knowing that it has a solution?