When I grow up…

I’m not sad for what i might never have… I’m sad for what i had and I lost.
Sadness comes when you realize how good something is/was/could be,
but it’s too late to do anything to save it from dying.
I just can’t seem to understand why love comes and goes so easily to some people…
Why can’t i be like that? Why am I still in love with him then?
Why would I just ignore all of this pain he brought me to be with him again?
I guess it’s mostly because i don’t believe i will find anybody that will make me happier than he did, so I just stick to him as if he was my only salvation. I need to get saved from my own life… How awful is that.

I’ve become a better and more beloved person, for what… For remembering everyday of how good I had it and how bad I lost it all… The pain won’t go away. I really need to find the words to describe this.
If I could compose songs… They would be the sadder ever.

When I try to imagine how my life would be with him now, I only get to the conclusion it would not be possible.
He would be way too incompatible with the people here, my new friends. I wouldn’t be so nice friends with anyone, hence I wouldn’t do half of the things we do all together now…
Would his love be really worth it in long term? Would that happiness really last as it was?
But how could something that felt so right, end up at a given point?

He run away like a coward. He knew that what he did was so bad, he didn’t even dare to face it. How can i love someone like that… Someone who is not responsible enough for his own acts…

And what’s gonna happen with me now?

Gave it all just to lose it.
Tried her hardest just to fail.
Lived a dream just to wake up.
Became a better person just to die.
Loved just to get her heart broken.
Created memories just to keep the pain alive.
Without hope, without faith, without future
as empty as a shell she shall remain.
Rest in peace, you sweet child.
Find the place where you belong,
where your dreams never die,
and you live happy all along.
Where the only law is fair
and nobody cries or hurts.
Rest in peace, you had enough. Fly away, where you can smile again.

She knows she’s gonna hurt those who have her in their hearts.
But she wishes that they will understand…

“Trying to fit a square into a circle is no life”

She’s been poisoned, there’s no escape.
No other options, no other chance.
To die slowly in pain, to never enjoy again.
All this emptiness has no purpose, but only to stop this nonsense.
Here today, gone tomorrow.

“Save me from drowning in the sea…
Pick me up upon the beach…”

What can possibly save me from this situation I see myself in.
If everything around me does nothing but remind me of you,
of the life we had together, of the dreams we made true,
and all of the dreams we had left to do… They never will be.

“Your smiling eyes  were just a mirror for…
just a mirror for the sun”

They will be never more, never again… Lost forever.

There’s only one thing that lasts forever.
All of what we lose… We lose it forever.

I’ve got so little to gain and so much to lose.
When will I find a reason… why is it taking so long?
Why am I going through this grief, what have I done?

“There are too many questions,
There is not one solution,
I have lost my illusions,
What I want is an explanation”

That’s what I’m waiting for, and once i get it, i can finally leave.

“See you at the bitter end”

They say I’m doing this for you… Are they right? I guess so.
But what can I do? This pain… To know that you preferred to be without me, when all I gave you
was the purest love you’ll ever taste… What else can you ask?
What more did you want from me?
I know i wasn’t perfect, but no one is. Not even you.
Were you aware of that?
How come you stopped loving me? How can I get it back?
Am I not enough? Am I myself at all?
So many people in this world… And there’s no one for me.
No matter what I do or who I might become.
Live proved me I’ll be always wrong.
They say I should love myself the most, but don’t they realize what does that imply?
If I am to decide what’s best for me, I’ll break so many hearts.
But yet mine is already broken, beyond reparation.
Why do you insist on me living a life like this?

“Suicide is a definitive solution for a temporary problem”

What makes them think there’s such a thing as “temporary problem”?
A problem is a problem cause it has no fucking solution. Hence, it’s not temporary.
All of what they do is to bury the grief, bury all the spines so they won’t hurt anymore,
but I’ve already buried so many of them, that I’ve got no more soil in the garden of my heart.
It’s true it has some beautiful flowers, but there’s too much poison in them.

The price is too high… If i don’t abandon it, it will eat me alive.

You didn’t believe; you believed everyone else.
You didn’t see all of what we could be. I was the only one who did.
Who kept dreaming by your side.
You lost that dream and found a new one.
Don’t ask me to do the same… My only dream left is to die.

Cause I know you won’t come back, so why should I even try.
When all I have left are my broken dreams.
I know I’m lucky for all the things I have, I know for all the things i should feel blessed.
But you showed me how great life can be by your side.

Even if i find love again, it won’t feel right;
because here you will be, deep in my heart.

Everything seems so pointless and useless right now,
cause by the end of the day, i can do only but to cry.
For seeing you moving on with your life… without me.

My only relief is to know that it will never be as magical as it was with me.
Why did you give up all of that? What made you decide it would be better without me?

Who am I trying to fool?
By just not thinking of you, I’m just running away from the painful truth.
But even if i face it, what am i supposed to do?
Why should i live on after losing you?
Life goes on… So does the pain…
I still sit here and cry for what I have done, remembering the moments when things weren’t wrong…
When joy and happiness were all around, when our love was so strong…
How could it go away like this, after all we had gone through…?

The shadows of tomorrow killed your illusions.
Why was I the only one who also saw the sunlight in it?

Does that make me wrong? Was I wrong all along?
Was it really plain silly to believe  we could have been together forever feeling like we did?
Why did it feel so sure and secure, then?
Why did i feel that i was in the right tracks?
Why was our love so great if it wasn’t meant to be?
Now I’m left in this world all alone, where all I can do is hurt and crawl.
Second best is all I’ve got to know.
Why did your love have to go?

Why should I take this? Would it be shameless if i decide to die?
Will you, someday, realize? Will I?
Should I give it time, will it be worth it?
Will I see what now I’m unable to see?
Will you ever come back to me?
Will I hurt somebody if I don’t move on?
How many failures takes to break one’s will?
It doesn’t even matter, as the facts remain untouched, no matter what’s been before.

You were all I wanted.
And you chose to leave me behind.

It didn’t matter how good I could have been, or how nice we could have had it.
You didn’t love me anymore. You loved someone else.
It doesn’t matter what we deserve. Nothing really matters anymore.

I would like to write for you
the most beautiful song,
explaining all of what I’m going through,
so you could listen to it once I’m gone.
“You never know” it’s all I’ve left.
I don’t want to take the chances.
Too many times I’ve tried and failed.
There is no other way
to stop this endless pain.
“Let it go” it’s all you say,
“Let me go” it’s all I pray.
This life is just too cruel for me.
All I want is to find some peace.
This love that I will never feel,
this pain that I will never leave…
If you really want the best for me,
be strong and face the kill.
Some wounds never heal.
People telling me they need me around…
But what about what i need?
Can’t they see I’m already a lost war?
Some wounds never heal, although they might not bleed.
I’m glad I can say I got the best in my life…
Now I need to be strong and do what it takes.
You want me alive, but that’s what is already not possible, as the Sara everyone knows is dead.
You don’t want me to suffer, you don’t want me to live like this…
If only you knew all the pain that stabs my heart… You would change your mind.
I really hope you will one day realize that after all, this was my best bet.
Don’t let the pain or the grief take you, feel happy that I won’t be feeling like this anymore.

You cannot ask the blind to see.
You cannot ask the deaf to hear.
You cannot ask the mute to give a speech.
You cannot ask me to live without my heart.

I want to leave but let’s be clear; this is only my responsability, my fault, no one else’s.
I cannot do more, I’m that useless if you want.
I know i can bring happiness  to other people, but i cannot bring happiness to myself.
And the only person who can’t, won’t do.
It’s too late, I fucked it up. And now I’m just getting what I deserve.

“And as you move on, remember me…
Remember us and all we… Used to be…”

Even you say that in time I’ll forget about you… I don’t want to sit here waiting for the day that you might come back…
I’m done with that.
Too many times i had to say goodbye in my life, to start it all over again… I know that life is more than having a relationship, but that’s not the problem… My problem is that the one thing I wanted in my life, and achieved, it’s gone.
My goal was reached, and now it’s gone, i lost it. And i don’t have the will or strength to find new ones.
That’s the sad cruel reality I’m facing here and that no one wants to see… They say I’m blind, but I still see your blindness.

“I’m forced to fake
a smile a laugh… Everyday of my life.”

And I’m getting good at it.

Besides what it might look on the outside, the pain I have inside is only growing day by day… Everyday that he is not coming back, it’s a stab in my heart.
Why am I supposed to move on despite knowing that he has lost his love for me, and still people say that if I kill myself it won’t let them move on with their lives? I mean, I have to accept the facts, the facts where Rick doesn’t love me anymore, but no one is gonna accept the fact that I don’t love living anymore…
Why do they keep insisting me on living when it only hurts me so much? I know they believe it won’t hurt forever, but that’s because they don’t know  me… They don’t know how do I love Rick, they don’t know how much he means to me…

Should I keep true to my feelings? Is there anything I can do about them  anyway?

I loved life, but just because I had my chances and opportunities in it… And now all I got left is sadness and pain from losing all of them at once.
A love which will never be returned… A love that I had in my hands and I just didn’t know how to keep it alive and strong as it was…

This is the price I pay for my mistakes 5 years ago… It’s just a re-run but on the other side of the story… And I’m afraid I’m supposed to end it the same way… Only by doing so I’ll be forgiven.

“I remember the days when I was so eager to satisfy you…
Be less then I was just to prove I could walk beside you…

But now you’ve flown away, I’ve seen
you’ve chosen to leave me behind you.

Still I curse the day I decided to stay true to myself”.

These white pages are like my life, waiting to be written.
I can’t really understand how am i supposed to fill them,
when in this wasteland where’s there’s nothing left,
I’m expected to find hope and dreams.
In this nothingness I’m supposed to stand,
to be strong and to have faith.
But faith is something that gets wasted
by every time I try and fail.

Guilty overcomes me as you died while in my arms.

But there are no arms for me to die in.
I’m facing a life of regret and wonder, where i can’t stop thinking of a way
I could have stopped all of  this end.
For what am I supposed to be strong? For me? For you?
What’s the right option, the right path to take,
if none of them are gonna bring you back?
All that’s left in any case are odds and chances.
But what are the odds of winning such a high prize?
If I’ve been so lucky up until now, up until you came into my life…
What in the world can bring me more?

Is it within myself? Is it in the time to come?
Is it in you? Is it in someone else?

All I’ve learned with every deception seems so pointless now that your love is gone.
Your love was all I ever dreamed of… So what do I have left now?

We all make mistakes… But is it really too late to start again?
To start what exactly…
I guess I just can’t know now, not yet….
I guess time will show me, and one day I’ll realize
why you had to break my heart,
why you had to make my dreams come true,
and why you had to take them away with you.

One day all of this feelings will be dead along with a part of me.
It’s all to be reborn again…

This sadness will be with me, it will stay to remind me of the things i must not do.
My love for you won’t die, tho… It’s the only thing that keeps me alive;
The thought of picking up the pieces of your broken heart when, in time, it breaks…

You don’t and didn’t believe me when I said that what we had was special and unique.
I can only hope you are just not able to see it yet.
It’s too early for you, you are way too young, and i have to know better than to lean on you.
Time will also show you the things you are not supposed to do.

I’m debating if i should regret giving our love a chance,
since in the end it brought us so much destruction.
I just hope you won’t end up hating me and what we had.
Please treasure it, for the good times it gave us, and for the lessons it taught us.
I was blind to the hurtful truth that I didn’t want to accept, as it brings me so much pain…

You changed into someone different
and I’m one of the reasons why, I’m the one to blame.
That’s gonna be my punishment for my mistakes…
To carry the weight of guilt on my shoulders for the rest of my life.

The most painful truth i could ever face it’s just showing in front of me…

…. It was never meant to be, no matter how hard i wished it to.

I’m left to pick up the pieces of what it used to be me and to try to be lucky again.
Why does it hurt me so much to start thinking that maybe in time
I will understand why all of this is happening?
To start thinking that maybe this is something i had to go through to be able
to really be happy in another kind of right way?
Will it be really worth it?