When I grow up…

They say life is a gift… I call it  a curse.

I was talking with my best friend, and she reminded me how “not normal” I am when it comes to love.
I know all the theories about how a girl (or anyone for that matter) shouldn’t give it all away when they are in love, because men are not looking for a second mom, they are looking for a partner whom they can share an equal relationship.
I don’t really know why, but in my relationships I always had it easier in my life that those of my partners so I always tried my best to help or to give a hand… I never meant to act like a mom but I admit sometimes I did, mostly with my last relationship. When I did was just out of love, out of wanting the best for my beloved one, not for taking any role in the relationship neither to ridicule anyone. I simply wanted to help out.
But anyway, my point is that this is my way of loving, and even if I know it’s what mostly makes all of my relationships fail, I don’t think I can change it or even want to… I don’t believe it should be something bad, to be willing to give your best, or all what you’ve got, for the beloved one… My friend said that men think differently, she even gave me a book that kinda explains how a woman should “be” and  “act” to get a man or to make a relationship work, but…

I want a relationship that can work by just being myself.

And looks like that’s something that can never work. It’s a fantasy, an illusion, an utopia…

I had a nice conversation yesterday with a friend of mine, and she said something interesting.
It goes more or less like this:

“Life is not about what you want, but more about what you need.
The tricky part is that what you want is not always what you need,
and that there’s no way to know exactly what you really need.”

I’ve been thinking about it all day.
So, supposedly you gotta take things as they are “in case” it’s because you need it, even if you don’t want them to be that way. Well, makes me wonder why did I need all of this… For what in earth am I gonna need all this pain? What in the world can all of this shit bring me? Just the conviction that I do not like this life and the way it works.

I believe everyone gets to the point where they have to make a choice; to take it or to leave it.
Why should someone take this life? And why shouldn’t he/she?
It’s everyone’s own decision to take, and I would like that whatever the choice is, to be respected.

No one should feel forced to take it. I think people should only live life if they really want it.
Everyone gives for granted that you do want to live… But why is that? Why such an assumption?
Why is that it HAS to suit me like it or not? I’m sorry, but no.

I can say I tried, of course there’s lots of things I didn’t do, but the majority I did and mostly I’m proud of all of what I did or didn’t do. I tried my best, I enjoyed, I lived life to its maximum, and now I feel it’s time for me to go.
Where, I don’t know. But staying here won’t make anything change… If I stay here, nothing is gonna change.
It’s gonna be this hell every single day.

And now, to add some emoness and because I feel like it, I’ll write down my own version of a song that I like ^^

“If this is true, I thought then, what will I think
Will I stay but rather I would get away
I am scared that I wont find a thing
And afraid that Ill turn out to be alone, but i

Had to learn, had to try, had to trust I had to cry,
I had to see, had to know that I can’t be myself…

And if I could I would stay
And if they were not, not in my way
I’d stare here in the distance
But I grew up to be just like you, yeah
I grew up to be just like you, yeah…

I see it all I’m sure but
Do I know whats right
I thought I knew but it turns out the other way
I’m sure that I wont find a thing
And convinced that I’ll turn out to be alone, but I…

I want to tell you why would I try to,
You are all I can see now
Why would I try to…”

I always thought I would be a normal person, with a simple kind of life… The type who gets married, has kids, grows old, ends up being an old small lady who’s sweet with her grandchildren…

Now I can’t see any of that happening anymore.

Now all I can see is me in a couple of years maximum, just being as I am now, and then just blackness…
I can’t see what happens exactly, but it’s pretty clear I’ll be gone.
Why in 2 years, I still don’t know. I hope it won’t take that long.

I wonder where my future went… Did you take it away with your love?
You showed me how it is to live with you… Just to leave me.

“You took my hand, you showed me how,
you promised me you’d be around…
I took your word and I believed,
in everything you said to me…”

“They knew better, still you said forever…”

I never thought I would agree on that one, but after what my experiences have proven me, now I’ve got no other option…

People are narrowing down to just one reason of why I want to die; they say it’s all because of Rick.
And I’ve heard so many times things like:
“he is just a kid, he doesn’t even know what he wants”
“he was with u just because ur older and he wanted experience”
“he’s not worth it and ur stupid for wanting to give up everything for him”
“he only wanted to have sex with someone and u came handy” (yeah, those kind of things too =_=’)

Well, first of all I think I’ve explained a million times all of the reasons why I prefer to give up life; Rick was only the booster which blew up all of the other things that joined together. He’s just the tip of the iceberg, but still everyone is forgetting something very important here.

He made me happy no matter what was going on in his mind while he was with me.

I don’t really know the exact reasons of why he was with me (and I’ll never do); I want to believe for what I lived that he was really in love even if at some point he lost it for whatever reasons. But even if he was with me just because he thought it would be nice to have a girlfriend, or because he wanted experience, of because he wanted sex, or whatever… I was happy in that “lie”, happy in that style of living, everything made sense for me anyway and I had hopes and dreams to hold on to.
So now that I’m “liberated” and “free”  and all of that that sounds so nice but are just empty words in the end… Is this the “reality”, the “truth”? Well, thank you but I prefer the lie, or at least in this case.

Living a lie that makes you happy is better than living a truth that makes you wanna die.

I think everyone has to agree with that. Or maybe I’m really from another planet or something, could be.

Now I’m sure there’s people who will say that you can also be happy in something real… But I stopped believing in fairy tales a while ago. I’m not saying it’s not possible, I’m saying that in my case it is not. For all the reasons I’ve explained already and that I don’t feel like repeating over and over again.

I was wrong.

I always believed life had this kind of “greater purpose”, a reason to be, that everything happened for a special meaning, that I had to be a good person so good things would happen in my life…

But now I see that’s just bullshit.

There’s nothing like that. Things just happen, for no logical explanation, they don’t follow any kind of  “universal fairness” or karma or anything… It doesn’t matter how much effort you put into it, how much you sacrifice, how hard you work… The outcome it’s always beyond our control, there’s no warranty for anything.
There’s only warranty for screwing things up, that is in our control and it’s so fucking easy to do.
But to get things right… That we can never assure.

So, now what? What’s with all of this? Am I supposed to just take it as it is?
Well, I don’t think so.
I didn’t sign up for any of this. If there’s nothing I can have the slightest control over… Then what does it matter what I do? If I am gonna die someday anyway, why would I go with the trouble of living a life of deception and misery?
Cause if there is something clear, is that nothing good lasts forever. So why would I want to live just to keep losing all of what I might end up loving and caring for?

Might as well just get over it.

Really, the more I think of it, the clearer it gets. I don’t know why most of the people just can get along with it like they do. But I can not. I can’t get over the fact I screwed up my chance of being happy, that I’m broken beyond reparation, that this pain is here to stay, that there’s nothing I can do to make things right, hence there’s no possibility for me to be happy again… Fuck it.

Now it’s just a matter of time until I decide how and when and where.

Believe it or not, I just want the best for you.
I’ve been thinking that even if me as a person could have made u very happy, my circumstances could never do.
Things that I would never be able to change. We would never be able to change.

Still there isn’t a day that I don’t think about how would it be if we were still together. I try to convince myself that my new “life” would not be compatible with you… Or your new “life” now when you start university…

There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for us having another chance, for us being happy together again…

It will never be.

I’m glad you are having such a nice time now. Just be happy, enjoy every second of it, and remember that you are a very lucky person. Not everyone finds their special one… Or not everyone is the special one for their special one.

I wish you the best, the very best for you. With no regrets, with no anger, nothing… I just wish you happiness.

I love you, like i did, and like i will always do. Take care my sweetie.