When I grow up…

I was wrong.

I always believed life had this kind of “greater purpose”, a reason to be, that everything happened for a special meaning, that I had to be a good person so good things would happen in my life…

But now I see that’s just bullshit.

There’s nothing like that. Things just happen, for no logical explanation, they don’t follow any kind of  “universal fairness” or karma or anything… It doesn’t matter how much effort you put into it, how much you sacrifice, how hard you work… The outcome it’s always beyond our control, there’s no warranty for anything.
There’s only warranty for screwing things up, that is in our control and it’s so fucking easy to do.
But to get things right… That we can never assure.

So, now what? What’s with all of this? Am I supposed to just take it as it is?
Well, I don’t think so.
I didn’t sign up for any of this. If there’s nothing I can have the slightest control over… Then what does it matter what I do? If I am gonna die someday anyway, why would I go with the trouble of living a life of deception and misery?
Cause if there is something clear, is that nothing good lasts forever. So why would I want to live just to keep losing all of what I might end up loving and caring for?

Might as well just get over it.

Really, the more I think of it, the clearer it gets. I don’t know why most of the people just can get along with it like they do. But I can not. I can’t get over the fact I screwed up my chance of being happy, that I’m broken beyond reparation, that this pain is here to stay, that there’s nothing I can do to make things right, hence there’s no possibility for me to be happy again… Fuck it.

Now it’s just a matter of time until I decide how and when and where.

Believe it or not, I just want the best for you.
I’ve been thinking that even if me as a person could have made u very happy, my circumstances could never do.
Things that I would never be able to change. We would never be able to change.

Still there isn’t a day that I don’t think about how would it be if we were still together. I try to convince myself that my new “life” would not be compatible with you… Or your new “life” now when you start university…

There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for us having another chance, for us being happy together again…

It will never be.

I’m glad you are having such a nice time now. Just be happy, enjoy every second of it, and remember that you are a very lucky person. Not everyone finds their special one… Or not everyone is the special one for their special one.

I wish you the best, the very best for you. With no regrets, with no anger, nothing… I just wish you happiness.

I love you, like i did, and like i will always do. Take care my sweetie.

What’s wrong with me? I wrote down an sms just to wish you happy bday… But there’s this small thing inside of me that whispers…

Let him go

You put me out of your life, and as much as I love you, I need to try to understand it and let it be that way…
Even if it means no sms for your bday.

The whole thing it’s fucking ridiculous… I’m stuck, there’s no place for me to go or look forward to.
There’s only my past. And with it, the pain it brings me.
You left me for dead, you don’t even care if I’m alive or not… And yet I still love you the same way as when we were together.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Really people, there’s nothing left there for me to take…

“I can’t take it any longer,
Thought that I was stronger…
All I do is linger,
Slipping through my fingers.
I don’t want to try now,
all that’s left goodbyes,
to find a way that I can tell you…

I hate this part right here

I just can’t take your tears…

I know you’ll ask me to hold on,
and carry on like nothing’s wrong.
But there is no more time for lies,
Cause I see sunset in my life”

What happened to the Rick I fell in love with? What the fuck have you become?

I can barely believe what my eyes see… I don’t know you anymore…
And it’s so hard to take, so hard to understand…

How some people can change so much.

Really, I’ve stayed almost the same steadily for a few years now…
It’s true that I’ve learned a lot, always too late but anyway… I’ve never become something shameful.

And talking about learning… I’ve been told that shit in life happens so you get experience out of it.
But really, isn’t it any other way to learn? Why does it have to destroy and hurt so much?
And why in so unfair ways anyway? And for what purpose?

Today I was wondering that I can’t be so conceited to believe that I already knew/know all of what I’m “supposed” to know to manage a balanced life… Of course I learned things out of what happened to me; things that made me grow inside a little bit wiser and a little bit tough…

But will it make any difference after all?

Even if I’m aware that now I’m more capable of managing my own personal life, I know which mistakes I don’t have to do again, where I need to get better at, etc… Does that change the fact that the odds of finding a future worth living are close to be called a miracle?
Feels, again, like no matter how good someone can be… Luck is all that matters in the end. There’s no such a thing as fairness or “deserveness” (yeah i just made that one up >.<). Some people find their true match, but not all of them are the true match for their own.

Jesus why is all of it so complicated? Now it’s just driving me nuts ._.

I realized that even if i didn’t mind, you were holding me back.
I wasn’t being fully myself.

I stopped living my own life to adapt it to your needs.
And probably you did the same.

But yet, we were so happy together…
I don’t see how could we be so wrong. I guess our bubble of fantasy would have exploded at some point anyway… No matter how I/we wished it to stay the way it was…
But still I want to believe it wouldn’t have been impossible for us to be happy together forever…
And I’m still debating whether if it’s worth it to try again or not.
It is true i’m living wonderful days but after all, the pain remains… Sadness overcomes me and I’m all alone.
I still have no hope, and without hope, there’s nothing left.

I’m not sad for what i might never have… I’m sad for what i had and I lost.
Sadness comes when you realize how good something is/was/could be,
but it’s too late to do anything to save it from dying.
I just can’t seem to understand why love comes and goes so easily to some people…
Why can’t i be like that? Why am I still in love with him then?
Why would I just ignore all of this pain he brought me to be with him again?
I guess it’s mostly because i don’t believe i will find anybody that will make me happier than he did, so I just stick to him as if he was my only salvation. I need to get saved from my own life… How awful is that.

I’ve become a better and more beloved person, for what… For remembering everyday of how good I had it and how bad I lost it all… The pain won’t go away. I really need to find the words to describe this.
If I could compose songs… They would be the sadder ever.

When I try to imagine how my life would be with him now, I only get to the conclusion it would not be possible.
He would be way too incompatible with the people here, my new friends. I wouldn’t be so nice friends with anyone, hence I wouldn’t do half of the things we do all together now…
Would his love be really worth it in long term? Would that happiness really last as it was?
But how could something that felt so right, end up at a given point?

He run away like a coward. He knew that what he did was so bad, he didn’t even dare to face it. How can i love someone like that… Someone who is not responsible enough for his own acts…

And what’s gonna happen with me now?

Gave it all just to lose it.
Tried her hardest just to fail.
Lived a dream just to wake up.
Became a better person just to die.
Loved just to get her heart broken.
Created memories just to keep the pain alive.
Without hope, without faith, without future
as empty as a shell she shall remain.
Rest in peace, you sweet child.
Find the place where you belong,
where your dreams never die,
and you live happy all along.
Where the only law is fair
and nobody cries or hurts.
Rest in peace, you had enough. Fly away, where you can smile again.

She knows she’s gonna hurt those who have her in their hearts.
But she wishes that they will understand…

“Trying to fit a square into a circle is no life”

She’s been poisoned, there’s no escape.
No other options, no other chance.
To die slowly in pain, to never enjoy again.
All this emptiness has no purpose, but only to stop this nonsense.
Here today, gone tomorrow.

“Save me from drowning in the sea…
Pick me up upon the beach…”

What can possibly save me from this situation I see myself in.
If everything around me does nothing but remind me of you,
of the life we had together, of the dreams we made true,
and all of the dreams we had left to do… They never will be.

“Your smiling eyes  were just a mirror for…
just a mirror for the sun”

They will be never more, never again… Lost forever.

There’s only one thing that lasts forever.
All of what we lose… We lose it forever.

I’ve got so little to gain and so much to lose.
When will I find a reason… why is it taking so long?
Why am I going through this grief, what have I done?

“There are too many questions,
There is not one solution,
I have lost my illusions,
What I want is an explanation”

That’s what I’m waiting for, and once i get it, i can finally leave.

“See you at the bitter end”

They say I’m doing this for you… Are they right? I guess so.
But what can I do? This pain… To know that you preferred to be without me, when all I gave you
was the purest love you’ll ever taste… What else can you ask?
What more did you want from me?
I know i wasn’t perfect, but no one is. Not even you.
Were you aware of that?
How come you stopped loving me? How can I get it back?
Am I not enough? Am I myself at all?
So many people in this world… And there’s no one for me.
No matter what I do or who I might become.
Live proved me I’ll be always wrong.
They say I should love myself the most, but don’t they realize what does that imply?
If I am to decide what’s best for me, I’ll break so many hearts.
But yet mine is already broken, beyond reparation.
Why do you insist on me living a life like this?

“Suicide is a definitive solution for a temporary problem”

What makes them think there’s such a thing as “temporary problem”?
A problem is a problem cause it has no fucking solution. Hence, it’s not temporary.
All of what they do is to bury the grief, bury all the spines so they won’t hurt anymore,
but I’ve already buried so many of them, that I’ve got no more soil in the garden of my heart.
It’s true it has some beautiful flowers, but there’s too much poison in them.

The price is too high… If i don’t abandon it, it will eat me alive.

You didn’t believe; you believed everyone else.
You didn’t see all of what we could be. I was the only one who did.
Who kept dreaming by your side.
You lost that dream and found a new one.
Don’t ask me to do the same… My only dream left is to die.

Cause I know you won’t come back, so why should I even try.
When all I have left are my broken dreams.
I know I’m lucky for all the things I have, I know for all the things i should feel blessed.
But you showed me how great life can be by your side.

Even if i find love again, it won’t feel right;
because here you will be, deep in my heart.

Everything seems so pointless and useless right now,
cause by the end of the day, i can do only but to cry.
For seeing you moving on with your life… without me.

My only relief is to know that it will never be as magical as it was with me.
Why did you give up all of that? What made you decide it would be better without me?

Who am I trying to fool?
By just not thinking of you, I’m just running away from the painful truth.
But even if i face it, what am i supposed to do?
Why should i live on after losing you?
Life goes on… So does the pain…
I still sit here and cry for what I have done, remembering the moments when things weren’t wrong…
When joy and happiness were all around, when our love was so strong…
How could it go away like this, after all we had gone through…?

The shadows of tomorrow killed your illusions.
Why was I the only one who also saw the sunlight in it?

Does that make me wrong? Was I wrong all along?
Was it really plain silly to believe  we could have been together forever feeling like we did?
Why did it feel so sure and secure, then?
Why did i feel that i was in the right tracks?
Why was our love so great if it wasn’t meant to be?
Now I’m left in this world all alone, where all I can do is hurt and crawl.
Second best is all I’ve got to know.
Why did your love have to go?

Why should I take this? Would it be shameless if i decide to die?
Will you, someday, realize? Will I?
Should I give it time, will it be worth it?
Will I see what now I’m unable to see?
Will you ever come back to me?
Will I hurt somebody if I don’t move on?
How many failures takes to break one’s will?
It doesn’t even matter, as the facts remain untouched, no matter what’s been before.

You were all I wanted.
And you chose to leave me behind.

It didn’t matter how good I could have been, or how nice we could have had it.
You didn’t love me anymore. You loved someone else.
It doesn’t matter what we deserve. Nothing really matters anymore.

I would like to write for you
the most beautiful song,
explaining all of what I’m going through,
so you could listen to it once I’m gone.
“You never know” it’s all I’ve left.
I don’t want to take the chances.
Too many times I’ve tried and failed.
There is no other way
to stop this endless pain.
“Let it go” it’s all you say,
“Let me go” it’s all I pray.
This life is just too cruel for me.
All I want is to find some peace.
This love that I will never feel,
this pain that I will never leave…
If you really want the best for me,
be strong and face the kill.
Some wounds never heal.
People telling me they need me around…
But what about what i need?
Can’t they see I’m already a lost war?
Some wounds never heal, although they might not bleed.
I’m glad I can say I got the best in my life…
Now I need to be strong and do what it takes.
You want me alive, but that’s what is already not possible, as the Sara everyone knows is dead.
You don’t want me to suffer, you don’t want me to live like this…
If only you knew all the pain that stabs my heart… You would change your mind.
I really hope you will one day realize that after all, this was my best bet.
Don’t let the pain or the grief take you, feel happy that I won’t be feeling like this anymore.

You cannot ask the blind to see.
You cannot ask the deaf to hear.
You cannot ask the mute to give a speech.
You cannot ask me to live without my heart.

I want to leave but let’s be clear; this is only my responsability, my fault, no one else’s.
I cannot do more, I’m that useless if you want.
I know i can bring happiness  to other people, but i cannot bring happiness to myself.
And the only person who can’t, won’t do.
It’s too late, I fucked it up. And now I’m just getting what I deserve.

“And as you move on, remember me…
Remember us and all we… Used to be…”